Iβm 59 and have been helping care for my 84-year-old mother for the past two years. She lives about 40 minutes from me, so I drive over several times a week to take her to appointments, pick up groceries, organize her medications, and deal with whatever unexpected problem has come up.
Lately, Iβve started feeling completely worn down, and I feel terrible admitting that. I have a full-time job, a husband, and a daughter who lives in another state. There are days when I leave work early to handle something for Mom, then sit in traffic feeling angry and guilty at the same time. By the time I get home, I have no energy left for dinner or conversation.
My mother isnβt trying to be difficult. Sheβs actually very sweet, which somehow makes my feelings harder to deal with. She often tells me, βI donβt know what Iβd do without you,β and instead of making me feel appreciated, sometimes it makes me feel trapped.
Iβve also noticed that Iβve stopped doing things I enjoy. I rarely see my friends anymore because Iβm always worried that Mom might need me. When someone asks how Iβm doing, I usually say, βFine,β even though Iβm not.
I love my mother deeply, but Iβm beginning to resent how much of my life caregiving is taking over. Has anyone else loved an aging parent while still feeling completely exhausted by the responsibility?
and then
Please donβt beat yourself up. Iβm 63, and I cared for my father during the last three years of his life. I loved him dearly, but there were times when I wanted to scream, get in my car, and drive somewhere where nobody needed anything from me.
That didnβt make me a bad daughter. It made me tired.
One thing I eventually learned was that loving someone doesnβt mean being available every minute. I had to let other people help, even when they didnβt do things exactly the way I would have done them. I also started protecting one evening a week for myself. Sometimes I met a friend for dinner, and sometimes I simply stayed home with a book and turned my phone off for an hour.
I also stopped automatically saying yes. If something could wait until tomorrow, I let it wait. If someone else could handle it, I asked them to.
Youβre allowed to have a life outside of caregiving. Your mother needs support, but she also needs a daughter who isnβt completely burned out.
Be gentle with yourself. You can love your mother and still need a break. Both things can be true. β€οΈ